How to Unstress

Everyone has different ways of releasing stress, grounding, centering and regulating. Some people like a bath, others prefer a run. Some like to socialize, others need a bit of solitude to process their thoughts. The important thing is that it works well for you. 

Not all methods of regulating are equal. They can involve a trade-off, or incur a cost or a downside. For example, a weekly massage can be expensive; a tv binge can take hours and leave a person feeling a bit flat; and having a few drinks can be followed by a hangover. 

It can be useful to notice and refine the things that regulate you, to get as much restoration and as little downside as possible. 

Also, it can be helpful to keep on refining your regulation tools over time, as you, your life and circumstances change. For this, a little reflection can be useful. For example, by taking five minutes at the end of a day or week to notice what supported you. (“Taking that cup of tea outside and sitting in the sun really chilled me out. It was better than taking a break in the office and hearing all the gossip, which can feel a bit stressy.” Or, “I notice I feel better when I only listen to the news once a day.” Or, “I enjoy exercising most in the mornings, I wonder how I could do that more often.”) 

Balance is important too. Like in Dr. Mason Durie’s Te Whare Tapa Whā model, we need all four walls of our whare balanced, across wairua (spiritual), hinengaro (mental and emotional), tinana (physical) and whānau (family and social) wellbeing. For example, a person might be very physically fit, but emotionally bottled up and repressed. Or they may have a solid spiritual practice, but be socially isolated. In this way some of the walls of their whare are shorter than the others, and they may experience less resilience, regulation or be running at a higher-baseline because of it.

For me, a strange thing happens—even though I have wellbeing tools that work for me, when I feel really stressed, I often can’t remember what they are. It’s like feeling stressed evaporates my memory of how to not feel stressed. To counter this, I make a list and stick it somewhere only I will see it.  It says, ‘If you feel like this, here’s some things that often make you feel better.” Every time I get desperate and find it, it feels like a revelation. 

In another post, we’ll look another method of countering the problem of forgetting your regulation tools when you really need them. It’s a strategy my teacher calls ‘strike while the iron is cold’— use them before you need them.

Ok, let’s get to ways to unstress.
Here’s some broad, time-honored, classic ways to do it:

Exercise. There’s evidence showing that if the benefits of exercise could be put into a medication, it would be the most widely prescribed and effective anti-depressant medication available. It could be the gym, pilates, a run, a swim, walks, tai chi, cross fit, yoga, dance, football, netball, basketball, boxing, or any of a million other ways. The important thing is that you like it, it works for you, you do it and keep doing it.

Social connection. Even just a little bit of easy banter, a few ‘good mornings’, and a sense of belonging is shown to increase wellbeing. We’re mammals, we’re social animals, we need each other.

Movement. Feelings can be discharged by movement and expression. For example, you might feel a certain feeling and want to shake it out; or perhaps you need to have a good cry to release it; or a yell and scream in the car on the way to work to let it go. You let the feeling move through your body and be expressed. (Expressing it to another person might fall into the category of a having a difficult conversation, which it’s helpful to be grounded and centered for. Or you might want to express it to another person to be heard, seen, understood and make sense of what happened. This falls into the category of friendship (as well as therapy), and is another good way to regulate.)

Meaningful connection. Authenticity; talking about real stuff; feeling close; being reciprocally seen, heard and understood; mutual understanding, belonging, laughs, safety, care—these are some of the most wonderful, meaningful, regulating stuff there is. Learning how to love and be loved, how to let yourself be seen, how to see others and listen deeply, how to let people in, as well as how to close against those who don’t care or hurt you can bring an abundance of wellbeing and life satisfaction.

Diet/food
There’s a million, zillion different ideas about how to eat well, have consistent energy, feel great, or whatever. (Good luck out there! Sheesh.)  Overall, for me, it’s true that what you put into your body and when, affects how you feel, what you can do and how you do it. Personally, after years of eating all sorts of different ways, my own favourite approach is described by Susie Orbach in her brilliant, simple book ‘On Eating’. (Listen to your body, give your body what it wants, pay attention, stay present and enjoy it.) 

Sunshine. A classic. If you can’t get enough of it, a near infra-red light could be useful?

Working with your circadian rhythms. Noticing how and when you like to move, think, work, rest, eat, play, etc. and structuring your day around it can be a game-changer.

Service. Contributing, giving, volunteering and supporting other beings can be a deeply meaningful activity. It comes with a lot of wellbeing benefits too. It even triggers a dopamine hit.

A Spiritual Practice. Again, everyone’s different with this, but a practice of connecting with what is bigger and higher, what is sacred, mysterious, awe-inducing or transcendent, can be grounding, centering and meaningful. Some people find this in nature, in art, in movement, in religious practices, all sorts of things.

Being outside, in nature, in the fresh air.  Just looking at trees lowers your cortisol. People recovering in hospital who look out on a ‘green view’ get better faster. 🌲🌳❤️

Gardening. As well as the beauty and wonder of planting and watching flowers, vegetables and trees grow, blossom and fruit, getting your hands in the dirt also improves your microbiome. The bacteria in your gut has a direct correlation to how you feel.

Creative practice, making stuff and play.

There are plenty, plenty more ways too. Here’s someone else’s take.
And here are some specific, therapy-based tools.

High-quality rest
Yin Yoga
The super power of breathing

Naming your feeling
Reframing
Treat yourself as well as you treat the people you care about